Cape Town, South Africa – Onele Deleki, a 24-year-old activist and feminist from Cape Town, has been a vocal advocate for gender equality and women’s empowerment. As a final-year student of Politics, Philosophy, and Economics at the University of South Africa, she has dedicated herself to addressing societal issues, particularly those affecting women of color and children. In her role as director of Langa4men, an organization committed to dismantling patriarchy and gender-based violence, Deleki works to empower marginalized communities and foster social justice.
During an interview with Adekunle Owolabi, digital editor of the Africa Daily Post, Deleki shared her thoughts on the “pick me” phenomenon, its connection to patriarchy, and its impact on feminism. Below are her responses to questions posed during the conversation, offering a candid and insightful perspective on these complex issues.
Personal Insights: Could you share a bit about what initially drew you to explore the “pick me” phenomenon and its connection to patriarchy and misogyny?
“I noticed at a very young age of 20 that social media amplified this ‘pick me’ behavior and to me, it felt like a crisis that needed attention. This led me to examine the deeper societal roots of this phenomenon, particularly in patriarchal systems that perpetuate misogyny. Patriarchy creates an imbalance where men hold more social, economic, and cultural power. Misogyny reinforces this imbalance, devaluing women’s autonomy, and encouraging them to seek validation from men, because we (women) were taught that whatever a man wants, a man gets and their needs come before us. That was engraved in our brains from a very young age. The ‘pick me’ phenomenon is a symptom of this toxic dynamic, as women are conditioned to prioritize male approval and male needs more than our own needs. By exploring this connection, my feminist friends and I aim to help women recognize their worth and superpower and eradicate misogyny and patriarchal patterns, making it known that there is no reward in seeking male validation!”
Understanding the “Pick Me” Phenomenon: How would you define the “pick me” phenomenon in your own words? What are its key characteristics, and how does it manifest in contemporary society?
“The ‘pick me’ phenomenon refers to women who seek validation and acceptance from men, often at their expense, sacrificing their needs and autonomy. I was drawn to explore this topic because of its ubiquitous nature and the harm it causes to women’s mental health and empowerment, if I may add, romantic relationships and sisterhood too. Pick me women often prioritize male friendships over women friendships, because they believe men make better friends compared to women. Most times when these discourses are had, their reason behind why they would rather be friends with men over women, I understand that their point of view is perpetuated by internalized misogyny. Pick me women often have a large social media following, where they belittle feminism and how feminists are trying to ‘become men.’ Feminists don’t want to be men or ‘take their roles.’ This is really dangerous considering the fact that there are still so many young women growing up under patriarchal oppression and they do not know life outside patriarchy. Coming across a social media account that promotes patriarchy and is anti-feminism, these young kids will grow up thinking it is okay to shrink yourself and make space for men so you do not bruise their ego. In a world that prioritizes men, it is easy to become a pick me and that is why as a feminist, I think it is important to stay true to ourselves and not be shaken.”
Impact on Feminism: In your view, how does the “pick me” mentality impact the feminist movement and the quest for gender equality?
“The pick me mentality has a negative impact on feminism. Feminists fight for body autonomy, focus on eradicating misogyny, sexism, and patriarchy. The pick me mentality prioritizes male validation and perpetuates patriarchal oppression. I feel like this undermines the work of feminists and literally undermines feminists that came before us. The pick me phenomenon hinders the efforts to dismantle patriarchy. This is basically a war between women who twirl for men and think men should lead and control how a woman should behave versus women that believe women are capable of leading, we don’t have to be led and told what to do or how to dress, we can be whoever we want to be.”
Root Causes: What do you believe are the underlying causes or societal factors that contribute to the emergence and persistence of the “pick me” phenomenon?
“The ‘pick me’ phenomenon is rooted in societal factors. As I mentioned above, patriarchy and misogyny are one of the key factors. But there are so many factors that are the root of the pick me phenomenon. Women are conditioned to prioritize male approval and validation from a very young age, perpetuating gendered inequality. For so many years, women were taught how to make sure men are comfortable and we do not dare bruise their ego. Another root of the pick me phenomenon that I think is often overlooked is the societal beauty standards—this is a problem as old as time. Women that were accepted by society were women with Eurocentric features and were light skin. This is still an issue, women with Afrocentric features are not considered beautiful. This creates insecurities, leading to the idea that a woman’s worth comes from being attractive to men.”
Challenges and Solutions: What are some of the challenges faced by individuals who identify with or are labelled as “pick me,” and what strategies or solutions can be employed to address these challenges?
“I think women that are labeled as a ‘pick me’ struggle with low self-esteem, people-pleasing, and not having their own identity. Low self-esteem is caused by not thinking they are enough, and they need to feel better about themselves by receiving the male attention they desperately need, and they would do anything to please men, particularly the man in their lives, consequently compromising their own happiness. I believe that pick me women have an identity crisis problem because they do not know what they want and who they are outside of pleasing men and centering their lives around men. I think the solution to dismantle the pick me mentality is empowerment workshops from a very young age. Educating young girls about boundaries, being their own person, and feminist education. If we could take time and implement this in schools where young girls can have full access to this, it would be a great start to eradicating patriarchy and unlearning ‘pick-meism.'”
Cultural and Social Influence: How does the portrayal of “pick me” behaviour in media and popular culture influence societal perceptions of feminism and gender roles?
“Social media has made the pick me mentality normal and something that should be accepted. It perpetuates the idea that men should lead and women should submit. Pick me has become the ideology that most women want to follow because of how it has been romanticized. Even young girls now are talking about ‘if he leads properly, I will submit naturally,’ and that is all because of what they see on social media. Even young girls that do not have access to social media and are from remote villages grow up to be pick mes—because they grew up watching their mothers submitting and slaving around trying to take care of their husbands and the whole family, having no ambitions other than taking care of their husbands and children.”
Future Directions: Looking ahead, what changes or advancements do you hope to see in the dialogue around feminism and the “pick me” phenomenon?
“I hope to see women and young girls gaining their independence, not fighting for male validation, and being their own people and striving to do what they want without worrying about impressing men. I wish to see accessible feminist education for young girls and adult women. Not just accessible to people in big cities, but remote areas too.”
Additional Thoughts: Is there anything else you would like to add or emphasize about this topic that you feel is important for our readers to understand?
“I wish to have a more nuanced conversation that will explore patriarchy, misogyny, and feminism without fighting and creating more division between feminists and non-feminists. I think that is very important because the goal is to dismantle patriarchy, not to divide women. I think it is important for us feminists to understand that we did not just wake up on a random day and become feminists. It took a lot of learning and unlearning to become feminists and be aware that we have to fight against oppression against women. It is crucial for us to have grace towards women who are still oppressed and still yet to unlearn internalized misogyny. Overcoming the ‘pick me’ mentality takes time and A LOT of unlearning because these are ideologies we were taught when we were still kids.”
“The goal is to fight patriarchy, not each other,” Deleki reminded her audience.
